An earlier version of this post appeared as a blog post in Psychology Today (3/30/21).
In our fast-paced age, complicated relationships often seem expendable. Popular self-improvement sites recommend surrounding ourselves with “quality” people who further our goals or lift our spirits, and distancing ourselves from those who slow us down, demand too much, or otherwise seem “toxic.” In my clinical experience, however, all meaningful relationships have their hiccups, and distancing ourselves without offering an explanation can be truly harmful to others. Learning to navigate relationships when they feel challenging, or in other words, when they challenge us to grow (e.g. to become more patient, tolerant, compassionate, self-aware, communicative, confident, assertive, etc.) is key to our personal development. It also deepens our sense of connection in a world that too often leaves people isolated and hungry for belonging.
Rupture and Repair
Ruptures are inevitable in close relationships, and learning to repair those ruptures when they occur over the course of psychotherapy is one of the most growth-promoting and healing aspects of the therapeutic process. Such healthy repair need not be confined to the patient-therapist dynamic, however; repair is an art and skill that can be learned and applied to all meaningful relationships. To repair rather than discard our social ties is an act of courage, respect, generosity, and forgiveness, the virtues that have always been fundamental to human well-being and to a peaceful and humane society. Connection, belonging, and the art of repair are sorely needed in our increasingly isolation-and-addiction-prone world.
Rupture is an Opportunity for Repair
Ruptures may be great or small. The smallest ones are relatively easily resolved with an apology, a willingness to forgive, and perhaps some sort of negotiation. Larger ruptures occur when someone (often accidentally) hits a deep nerve in another, usually by failing to respond when a response is needed or expected, responding in a way that is tone-deaf to the needs of the other, or responding with criticism. The injured party either lashes out in anger or withdraws (standard involuntary responses to a perceived threat), and in extreme cases cuts off the relationship.
In new relationships, such a decision may (or may not) be of consequence, but in families or friendships of long-standing in which there are deep bonds of attachment and love, deciding to jettison a relationship can be severely damaging and destructive to one or both parties. While cutting off relationships may feel empowering to the person who makes such a choice, it is not considered an adaptive solution by mental health professionals except in cases of abuse and neglect (e.g. domestic violence, child physical or sexual abuse, etc.), and even then, with some caveats.
Cut-offs preclude communication--the very essence of healthy relatedness-- preventing the restoration, development or deepening of trust between the two parties. Trust is essential for health and wellness. Genuine repair deepens and strengthens trust because it is a demonstration by both parties that one is seen and heard, that one is worth the trouble, that in one small corner of the world one truly matters. Feeling that one matters is essential for health and wellness, for living a fruitful, fulfilling life.
Five Key Ingredients for Repair
The process of repair is an art and skill through which one may develop deeper, more resilient, and/or more trusting relationships. Repair is a challenging process, though, one that requires the participation of both parties (and sometimes the support and guidance of a trained professional). It is most likely pointless and possibly self-harming to attempt to repair a relationship when the other person is unwilling. But when there is willingness on both sides, here are 5 pre-requisites to successful repair:
Though angry or hurt, both parties agree that the other person matters, that the bond between them matters even if the dynamics of the relationship need to change. It takes courage and generosity to acknowledge that the flawed person who has hurt us, disrespected us, or overstepped their bounds still matters to us.
Allowing a person to matter to us entails vulnerability. Nobody enjoys feeling vulnerable. Acknowledging the other’s vulnerability can soften hard feelings.
A healthy relationship is an evolving relationship. Just as a broken bone, once healed, is stronger than it was before, the purpose of repair is to build something stronger and sturdier than what had previously existed. Repair does not mean reverting to a former, out-grown way of relating.
The process of repair may require more than one conversation. If the conversation becomes too heated or overwhelming to one or both parties, it may be necessary to try again in a week or a month. Ideally with each conversation there is an increased capacity for each person to hear the other, to truly register their complaint.
Repair requires the capacity to empathize with the other party as well as the capacity to acknowledge when one has behaved unkindly or unskillfully. These capacities are innate to most of us, but their expression is often unhealthily blocked by layers of self-protectiveness.
These 5 pre-requisites may seem simple at face value, but each represents a potentially insurmountable obstacle to repair. In a world consisting of billions of distinct individuals, it is a wonder that we ever experience a meeting of hearts and minds, and some relationships may not be salvageable. But historically, relationships with extended family, friends and neighbors have been indispensable for our social species, and no less so in times of great stress and upheaval. For one's own personal growth and healing, as well as for a stronger, healthier social fabric, it may be time to rethink our approach to relationships that challenge us.
If you or someone you know might benefit was therapy, please feel free to contact me.
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